Marriage Wars.....

It's a shock when your marriage hits its first patch of turbulence. You've been cruising along just fine, when all of a sudden, the bottom drops out. Welcome to your first big fight -- you know, the ugly kind with screaming, shouting, slamming doors, and tears. You've probably just hit a bit of nasty weather, but when you're bouncing through it, it's scary. You find yourself thinking: Is this it? Are we over?

In all likelihood, the answer is no. The truth is that all marriages go through choppy stretches. In fact, it's even possible to pinpoint when the bumps will come. Thirty years of research shows that most couples encounter conflict at predictable times, so its definitely not new.. lol

So fasten your seat belts! I'll clue you in to the five stormiest periods, plus give you strategies to help you soar through them with your love intact.

When the Honeymoon Is So Over

Black Cloud
You're soul mates. You share the same interests and values, and you've lived together long enough to know each other's lovable quirks. But suddenly, you're fighting all the time about nit-picky stuff like how to load the dishwasher or whether it's possible for one person to sleep while the other's watching Monster Garage. You start to agonize over these disagreements. You wonder: Where has the love gone?

Relax! The love's right here, where it's always been. You're just experiencing the perils of the "reallygetting to know you" phase. Every marriage has an adjustment period that usually continues through the first few years -- and that can create little rifts from time to time. "It's amazing to me how few couples anticipate that they'll fight occasionally.

 "As soon as disagreements arise, they assume something is horribly wrong with the relationship." Nine times out of ten, there's nothing wrong at all. Like a pair of gorgeous but blister-inducing new shoes, your marriage just needs some breaking in.

Solution
Master the art of talking and listening respectfully to each other early on, and you'll definitely thank yourselves later. "The way you manage your differences during the first few years of your marriage sets a pattern for the years ahead.So grow up. 

This is your spouse you're dealing with, not your little brother. When tempers start to flare, step back and figure out what the two of you are really arguing about. If you understand the deeper concerns, you'll be better able to resolve them. Avoid criticism, sarcasm, and accusatory weeping. If you can't speak without screaming, wait until your anger subsides. Then, ask your husband to sit down with you and calmly tell him what's bothering you. Try to understand how he feels too. To end the tug-of-war over who's right or wrong, ask yourself: Do I really, truly, positively need to make a big issue about (insert bone of contention here)? If not, get creative. Search for a solution that keeps you both feeling happy and respected.

When Baby's on Board

Black Cloud
Your marriage has settled into a state of comfy domesticity. You've figured out how to share household chores, and you've found a workable balance of couple time and alone time. It's so perfect, it's almost sickening! But don't get smug just yet. Here comes your bouncing bundle of joy -- and a whole bunch of new stuff to fight about. "The birth of a child sends shock waves through most marriages.Trust me...

Suddenly, you're living by new rules. You have to renegotiate important decisions about time, chores, money, and career goals. And that's hard to do when you're exhausted by life with a new baby. With most of your energies focused on your needy new darling, the demands of your other, older darling may suddenly seem unbearable. You're totally sleep-deprived, and you never get out of your spit-up-stained sweats. Don't be surprised if your sex drive all but disappears.

 SolutionYou and your sweetie have always been a hot couple, but during the crazed new-baby period, you might need to make a more conscious effort to fuel those love flames. Things don't happen as spontaneously as they used to, so it's important to carefully carve out time for each other. For starters, try setting aside at least 15 minutes every day to talk. It doesn't matter when you do it -- on your cell from the supermarket, if that's all you can manage. The critical thing is to try to connect every day. "If you don't take care of your romance, it will get buried underneath all the practicalities of raising kids.

As soon as your child is old enough to be left with a sitter, start "dating" each other again -- at least once a month, or more if you can swing it. It doesn't have to be dinner by candlelight -- just have fun with each other. Finally, make sex a priority. Push yourself to get naked together regularly, even if you haven't shaved your legs in a month. It's the best way to maintain intimacy, and that will help you get through this huge transition. "Remember, keeping your marriage strong is the best thing you can do for your child/Children.

When Mom Starts Work

Black CloudYou stopped working when you first had kids and happily assumed primary responsibility for their care -- and for most of the household chores. But now you're back in the workforce, and you find yourself doing everything you've always done -- plus trying to hold down a job. Suddenly, that smartly tailored supermom uniform starts to feel very uncomfortable. Suddenly, your soul mate starts to look like a bit of a bum. This is the most challenging periods of their lives. "They have to completely renegotiate who's responsible for what, and that's difficult to do after a pattern has been set."

 SolutionJust as when that first baby came along, you're going to have to rethink the household-chore chart. Find a quiet moment (remember those?) to sit down together and hash out the division-of-labor question. Do this up front instead of waiting until you're seething with resentment because he's walked right past those piles of dirty laundry or that stack of bills.

One effective approach: Make a list of all the household jobs. Pick a few duties that aren't totally hateful to you, and let your spouse do the same. Divide up the really horrible ones as fairly as possible, and consider tackling them together so you'll have a chance to talk while getting them done. Try your new plan for a month. If it's not increasing the peace at home, tweak the list until you find a balance that feels right for both of you.

As per my few Nigerian Husbands that find it really disturbing to go in the kitchen to do chores "Because it is written on a woman's forehead that she should sleep in the kitchen" Its really not about being a weakling, its about what you love. Help out and everyone gets happy.

I have read women write about how they wont let their husbands go into the kitchen to cook for them or even do little chores in the house... hmmmmm having to tackle kids, sex life and all, you must be "incredible hulk". How Nice is it for your spouse to cook you dinner, while you play with the kids, and later ravishing him like an apple pudding, now that's what I call Awesome... Truthfully speaking if the Hubs couldn't cook, mehnn it would be a blood bath lol or rather some people would have seen me in Ekpan river (warri) protesting ....kidding....lol

All in all I do hope you enjoyed reading and will also take in one or two to practice....

Have a lovely Wednesday Darlings....

Nerovianne...